Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Tied To The Tracks

So much for feeling contented last week. Just call me Mrs BiPolar.

Right now I'm itchy and high on dread mingled with pure adrenaline. Can't settle. Can't focus. Can't do much. All because I entered a couple of comps and the deadlines are looming. Like big cactus plants in my path waiting to prick my writer's bubble.

"Crazy, chill out Jude," I hear you cry. And I know you are right. But I can't chill. If I could dagnamit I would.

I've been trying to work out why I'm so uptight about it all and I've come to the conclusion it's raised stakes. More counts now than ever. I've been at this so long I'm feeling like I'm failing MYSELF. And that's a tricky situation to be in. When I started writing it was all for the adventure and the thrills. Now I feel like everytime I fail I let the progress drift - maybe what people once saw in me is fading?

Yep. The Crows Of Doubt. So I'm sitting beside a bucket. Wishing, wishing, wishing I'd never had the audacity to try. And that's just crazy coward-speak. To try is to strive for the dream. And the dream is the most important thing of all.


Caroline Storer said...

Hugs Judy. I know what you mean though. The waiting is the worst sometimes! Take care. Caroline x

Suzanne Jones said...

Also sending hugs.

But, know what? You know how fat I am and how when someone even fatter stands next to me I feel better? (stay with me, I'm going somewhere with this) Well, stand next to me and by comparison you'll only just be a beginner with this writing lark. As you know, I subbed my first romance when I was 16 and next birthday I'll be...no, can't tell you, too depressing - so many years closeted with my Olivetti when I could have been doing...actually, I don't know. There was never anything else I wanted to do.

You will get there, Judy. You've made it much further than most of us already.

Don't lose the faith.


Phillipa said...

Hugs and also more power to your writing elbow, Jude!

Nell Dixon said...

You can do this! Sending you more hugs - and Suzanne, it took me a long time too - I'm a slow learner.

Judy Jarvie said...

Aww (sniff sniff) you guys are the best. Just a case of the wibbles. It'll pass.

And Suzanne. You are NOT fat. And none of this writing lark is wasted so I'm being a big fat wuss complaining. Hugs to you all. jx

Joanne Coles said...

I leant someone my cricket bat to bash at the crows last week. I have it back now so am sending it to you. Wapping imaginary crows is actually quite therapeutic. I know, I've tried it.

I've been lucky enough to read some of your work, so I know you'll make it. Just gotta keep going :-)

Jackie Ashenden said...

Jude, I know EXACTLY how you feel. I feel like that now. Like all the potential the editor saw in me is just not there any more due to a failure to produce good revisions, and a sub-standard subsequent partial. And I know the 'why did I even bother? It's not worth it' thoughts. I had them at the beginning of the year and still have them truth be told.

However, the important thing to know is that you know more now than you ever did, which means you write better than you ever did. Take what you know, write those stories, and keep going. That's the only thing you can do.

Remember Jean Claude Van Damme - "No retreat, no surrender!" :-)

Judy Jarvie said...

And Joanne I have read your work. So I know that you deserve ed attention (grin). thanks for that kindness, you're a sweetie.

Jackie. So good to hear it's not just me. You kinda feel it is sometimes. We WILL DO IT. And I'm loving the Van Damme mantra. U rock

Lacey Devlin said...

What you need is chocolate and Jackie's scarecrow ;)